Life, lately

“We don’t have to trust the plan; we have to trust the creator of the plan. Pursue holiness, always be humble, and don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone.”

Two years ago, I graduated college.

I stepped on that giant stage, shook the president’s hand, showed up on the jumbotron, opened the red cover carrying the fake diploma (the real one was mailed out months later). I threw my graduation cap in the air about two feet above me. I smiled, took photos, all pomp and circumstance. I had no idea what life had in store.

Two years later, I’m a little older, wiser, perhaps a bit jaded, and… dizzy.

Life feels like I’m on one of those spinning tea cups at Disneyland, but the ride doesn’t end. In fact, there’s no end in sight. The merry music plays on and on, and I’m holding on for dear life.

These past few weeks, I’ve been battling inner demons. Staying up late, meeting folks, running off my stress. Trying to be present and perfect and everywhere to everyone is exhausting. The hustle is real lately. Sometimes it’s reaching out to nothing but silence. Sometimes it means sleepless nights, mental breakdowns, escapes to church when I feel completely hopeless. And the promise I keep hearing, reminding myself over and over again is: You don’t have the answers now, my child, but I do. Just you wait and see.  

I forget this sometimes. I get caught up in my own lies, my own insecurities, my natural instinct to “be silent” as a woman. A young woman, at that. So much of my life and my career is feeling as though nobody wants to listen.

And because of this, because of my hesitation, my inability to speak to the truth, my getting caught up in expectations of the “Real World,” I forget. I forget the deepest parts of myself, that I am creative. I forget that I have lessons learned and stories to tell. I forget the heart of why I love to do what I do. I forget that my voice does matter. 

The other night I spoke to over a dozen young adults about having faith and being a humble servant-leader, and suddenly I remembered. Hey, people needed to hear this. Hey, you matter.

Maybe nobody is reading this, nobody is listening, nobody cares. I do. I don’t have to get 200+ likes or comments on a perfectly filtered Instagram post to upkeep my engagement and validate my self-worth. I don’t need to be validated, period–I need to tell my truth. So what if no one’s listening?

Someone is always listening.

It hasn’t been easy, uprooting. It’s been a lot of waiting around, being frugal, and figuring it out as I go. Mostly, it’s about seizing opportunities, noticing blessings that spring from the most unexpected of places, and finding God through all of it. Sometimes I forget to slow down and savor the moment. It slips through my fingers, like ten precious seconds of a Snapchat. Poof, gone.

But the point of this restless, creative, wandering season is to approach with humility. Trusting that you don’t have to have it all figured out, nothing is perfect, and this life (& you) might be a total mess, but things will still turn out beautiful in the end.

And the biggest lessons learned through all of this: be patient and humble. It feels like a whirling teacup ride now, but eventually you’ll land where you are called to be. And remember–

God doesn’t call the equipped; He equips the called.

Now go and move mountains!

Patiently rooting,

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